For about five years now I’ve had this idea of writing a series of absurd and eccentric short stories based in the Welsh Valleys loosely inspired by the Arabian nights (which is a book I love, Read the Arabian nights it, its AMAZING). Anyway due to a mixture of self delaying, doubt and fear I haven’t done anything about it, until now that is, so I finally decided to write Forty and Two tales from the valley nights. There illogical, ridiculous and foolish and I just let my imagination go weird so the first one is here, if you like to read it thank you if you don’t then no worries.
Chapter 2, Right honourable Mr B Thomas, Mayor of Cardiff and the Vale AKA Basil Super villain extraordinaire.
Long ago during the Victorian days the now great city of Cardiff was on the up. It was destined to be a great city but hadn’t quite got there yet, it was still just a city (although some said it was nothing more than a big town but we’ll come to those naysayers in a sec). Cardiff was growing at quite a splendid rate, the coal of the valleys was making the city rich. The coal being transported from the valleys to the city and through it’s newly constructed docks and then out into the wider world. Although all was not well, the City had a great rival, another city which was also on the up, also becoming rich through coal and also placed on the coast, in fact the two cities were practically alike (altho no one would say that to ether of the cities faces), with some many similarities you would think they would be quite good friends but as is so often the case, the more cities have in common the more they dislike each other as Im sure you’re noticed. Cardiff great rival was of course the also not yet great but soon to be great, city of Swansea, which lay just down the coast. Both cities competed with each other and would try and out do one and another in a school yard attempt to get one up on the other city. If one city had a new dry dock then suddenly the other would also have a dry dock but with a new crane, if one city had a famous Arctic explorer visit its people then the other city would try and bring the Arctic itself to its peoples (and by doing so accidentally invent the ice cube but quite frankly thats another story and is slightly to strange to tell right now, especially since it involves a Polo bear in a top hat and the seventh fishing fleet of Scandinavia not to mention those flipping ice dragons).
Anyway the great rivalry of the two cities was largely lead by the two Mayors, in Swansea the Right Honourable Lord Mayor S Williams sat, ruling over the city with grace and questionable decision making, and in Cardiff the Right honourable Mr B Thomas, Mayor of Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan was in charge Now the Right honourable Mr B Thomas, Mayor of Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan was also known by another name, this name was Basil Super Villain Extraordinaire.
The right honourable Mr B Thomas, Mayor of Cardiff and the Vale AKA Basil super villain extraordinaire was indeed a super villain, some say he was in fact the first super villain, I know they are a little common place these days but you do have to remember this was Victorian times and the concept of the “super villain” was still new. It was said Basil could steal anything, which wasn’t quite true, Basil was sometimes a little arrogant but he himself would agree he could steal almost anything “apart from the one thing he alway wanted” he would say. He was also despite his title of super villain, actually rather a nice young man in his late 20s, with a pleasant face and rather kind heart. He loved his city and would do anything for her and its people. The reason he had the title of super villain extraordinaire was largely because he had stolen things for Cardiff, helping to make it great and in those days no one really minded a super villain. Its what gave the place flavour and intrigue people would say. Basils exploits were quite extraordinary but the episode we will tell of today is possibly his second most remarkable, the one involving Cardiff’s City hall.
It was a bright clear morning in Cardiff when the Right honourable Mr B Thomas, Mayor of Cardiff and the Vale AKA Basil super villain extraordinaire rode his penny farthing bicycle down the cobbled street to the city hall and his office. Basils day would always start the same way, he would get to his office, have a cup of tea, read the morning paper (The Western mail) then get down to work dealing with the cities affairs, approving or declining new infrastructure or plotting some highly daring and unexpected heist of some exquisite and rare artefact for the city museum. Today how ever was slight different, Basil got to his office, picked up his morning cup of tea and newspaper and gazed at the front page, then dropped his cup of tea onto the floor whist jumping up in surprise and horror, shocked at the news that greeted him on the papers front page. “Whats up chief” Basil’s assistant, friend and villainous partner in crime Edds asked as he rushed through the door hearing Basils super villain extraordinaire shut of surprise. “Look at this Edds, look at this, you know what that cade, Mayor S Williams of Swansea has done” throwing the paper at Edds “he’s gone and built a new city hall, what the fudge, I thought we had a gentleman’s agreement that this one up’ing of city halls would stop, we’ve built enough city halls, we had an embargo, the 1883 city and town city hall embargo. We’d agreed not to build anymore city halls after the Bridgend incident” (Basil was of course referring to the 1882 Bridgend incident when Swansea had constructed a city hall so big and vast that it wouldn’t actually fit inside the city of Swansea boarders so had to be moved along the coast and renamed as Bridgend and reclassified as a small town where it still remains today….). “We had an agreement” Basil continued “no more city halls, we shook on it”,
Edds looked at the front page of the Western mail it showed a large, quite impressive and soundly built new city hall in a modern grey build design with a large tower housing a clock at the top to one side of the construction. “I mean granted it’s not as big as Bridgend but still its pretty big, this is sure to impressive her, it might even win her heart and quite frankly Edds I don’t think I could take that, I could take Swansea having a bigger city hall but not Swansea being her favourite, I mean we built that new train station which I was sure to impress her, we all know nothing impresses a lady than a new train station, apart from a new city hall”. Basil was of course referring to not just any old her but Her, as in Her e.g Queen Victoria, who Basil rather fancied to put it mildly. To put it more accurately its said that behind every great man is a great women but in Basil cases the great women was in front of him, just always that feeling out of reach, the women was Queen Victoria who Basil loved and would do anything for, unfortunately it took a lot to impress Queen Victoria, in fact Shania Twain wrote a song about it. “That don’t impress me much” is actually written about Queen Victoria’s lack of impressment, the line “okay you got a car” is today not that impressive but you have to remember back in Victorian times the car was just invented so it was a pretty impressive thing to have one and everyone in the world was impressed with one, apart from that is Queen Victoria who wasn’t impressed that much by it. Anyway the Queen did not feel the same towards Basil preferring a German Prince named Albert. Basil still with the determination that had made him a Super villain extraordinaire persisted in trying to win her over. It was said Basil could steal anything apart from the one thing he would always say “the one thing I always wanted” and that one thing was the heart of Queen Victoria but in the end it didn’t really matter as Basil discovered but we’ll get to that later in Fishguard.
“I don’t like it Chief what we gonna do?” asked Edds, “I don’t know, I just don’t know, I mean it’s not like we can steal Swansea’s new city hall and put it in Cardiff can we? That would be unsporting” (even tho Basil was a Super villain extraordinaire he did have a very firm belief in rules and gentlemanly behaviour). “Can’t we Chief? I mean there’s a railway we could put it on that and just move it down to Cardiff” carried on Edds “no, no, no it be no good, anyway that could set a dangerous precedent, once we start stealing one bit of a city for our own city, Swansea will steal something back so we’ll steal something else and they’ll steal some more and before we know it the hole of Cardiff is in Swansea and the hole of Swansea is in Cardiff, we would of just swapped cities. The Royal Mail would get very confused. Remember what happened when we stole….I mean borrowed” Basil added quickly “that Swansea City sign? we got 456 letters addressed to people in Swansea and 767 copies of the Swansea Gazette delivered to our door, it was weeks before we got them all sent back, it coast us a fortune in second class stamps, we can’t steal any of Swansea, no matter how nice it is” Basil finally finished, falling back into his chair as Edds put the paper in front of him once again. Just then Basil suddenly sat bolt up right in his chair, his eyes suddenly alive with intent as he gazed down at the paper, not at the Swansea story but at a small one line, in small print, placed at the bottom left hand corner of the paper. “This is it Edds, this is what we are going to do” Basil shouted excitedly holding up the paper and pointing at the little one line “What Chief, what?” expressed Edds amazed at the transformation that had come over Basil.
“We are going to steal THIS” pointing at the one line “now get two tickets booked across the Ocean and get that massive airship blimp thing over there too, we are going to need some extra lifting gas too, maybe 300, no 400 ponds of it, oh and a large rope, now hurry Edds theres not a moment to lost” Basil explained as he ran out of the office.
Edds amazed at the changed that had come over his friend lent over the desk to look once again at the paper, at the tiny little one line which gave Basil such excitement, it read “The United States of America completes work on new Capital Building in the centre of Washington, D.C”.
It was a week later and both Basil and Edds stood in the capital city of that Great country, the United States of America, gazing at the newly built, white marbled Capital building of that impressive land.
“So we are going to steal that then Chief?”
“Yeah” replied Basil
“Okay seems pretty straight forward, lot easier than some of out other jobs, but why this one Chief?”
“Well its very simple Edds, ever since the war of 1812, I’ve wanted to pull a villainous deed over this side of the pond so what better to do then steal there new capital building, pop it back to Cardiff, out shine that darn Swansea and also impress the Queen by getting one up on the Americans, all in one simple move” Basil explained.
“okay so let me guess the plan, the lifting gas in the blimp balloon thing will give it move lift so it can take the wait of the building then we use the big rope to tie it around the capital building and fly it back to Cardiff?” asked Edds
“Yeah pretty much” replied Basil happily
“Oh seems pretty straight forward, what could possible go wrong” replied Edds happy with his friends Basils scheme.
Unfortunately, as is often the case, quite a lot can go wrong and we’ll discover what in a few seconds.
A few seconds later a loud voice behind Basil and Edds boomed out over their heads “Well hello Basil, you’ve decided to darken our fair nation with you’re thieving escapades”.
Both Basil and Edds turned around and were greeted with the sight of a small, large, very well dressed men in a top hat, fine tailer made suit and holding a long black cane, his face was over sized and from its mouth a big fat cigar was wedged between his lips and from it pure white thin smoke flowed up wards toward the sky.
“Oh hi, its …. you….. hey…. how you doing?” said Basil, really having no idea who this stranger was but was operating under the idea that because he knew Basils name then Basil must of met him at some point but had now completely forgotten his name so was really hoping he wouldn’t have to introduce Edds to him and admit his embarrassment of forgetting the guys name.
“Didn’t think I’d see you here…. how are you been? not seen you since… um …. that time yeah, Edds look who it is” carried on Basil.
“Oh yeah…..hey Mr…..not seen you…….since that thing” carried on Edds in the same tone of embarrassment and confusion.
‘We’ve never met before” said the stranger
“Oh really, oh good” replied Basil, glad to be let off the hook of remembering the strangers name
“Please allow me to introduce myself, I am Goodwill Vito Corleone……”
Nice to meet you Im Basil and this is Edds”
“HEYA” said Edds in true Welsh friendly fashion
“Yes….I do know that”
“lovely” continued Basil
“Im sure you have heard on me” said the Goodwill Vito Corleone
“Oh yeah sure, you are Goodwill Vito Corleone everyone knows who you are” answered Basil having no idea what so ever who Goodwill Vito Corleone was
“You did that thing over in that place where that thing happened yeah” carried on Basil
“Quite right I did that thing over in that place where that thing happened” said Goodwill Vito Corleone
“Lovely, yes it was a big thing, that thing you did in that place, where the thing happened” said Basil
“Im very gratified you think so, that is high praise indeed coming from you, the thing was indeed a big thing, that happened with the thing and the other thing in that place where the thing happened” said Goodwill Vito Corleone.
“Yea everyone was talking about that thing in that place where the thing happened that time where the thing happened and when it happens over there in that thingy place” chipped in Edds
“Fantastic, well now we’ve met we will be on our way, won’t we Edds and can I just say may the force be with you” said Basil hopefully turning to leave.
“You have no idea who I am do you?” asked Goodwill Vito Corleone
“None what so ever” admitted Basil
“I see, well since we have wasted enough time all ready I won’t beat around the tree any longer, time is money and I am certainly that, I’ll get straight to the point” said Goodwill Vito Corleone in the tone of a man who even though claimed to have no time to talk would still take a surprisingly long time to talk and convey information than he really had the time to tell, turning his ordinary statement of having no time into a paradox of tedium.
“You are here to steal the capital building, I am here to stop you” said Goodwill Vito Corleone “I am the head of the gangsters of New England, DC branch, this is my town and I run everything that happens here, and I am here to tell you that you have had a wasted trip and should get the boat back to your little coal mining town” finished Goodwill Vito Corleone with the tone of a man determined to have the final word.
“Steal the cap building? really what a silly suggestion, no no no we are here to see the Taj Mahal” lied Basil
“The Taj Mahal is in India” said Goodwill Vito Corleone|
“WHAT, Well the travel agent certainly never told us that…” lied Basil acting surprised
“I know you are here to steal the building, I follow you on twitter” said Goodwill Vito Corleone
“Oh sodding heck, I told you Edds we shouldn’t of hash tagged stealing the capital” Basil said turning to Edds.
“My agents have informed me of your airship arrival too, I assume you plan on stealing the building by lifting it up and flying it across the sea, haha a laughable idea, how charming, how very British, such an old and unimaginative idea. It is my pleasure to inform you that I will make it my personal duty to stop you, my men will be standing in front of the building until you leave our land. Let me assure you that its pointless trying to do anything, my men will be armed with cannons in the latest design, loaded with scientific weaponry, anti-balloon canon balls that will shoot down your balloon before it gets anywhere near the building, now sir, I shall bid you a good day and trust I shall never see you again” Goodwill Vito Corleone finished turning and walking away, leaving Basil and Edds along on the street.
“Well, we’re screwed” said Basil to Edds
It was much later on in the day, after walking around the city Basil and Edds had now ended up outside their hotel in down town Washington. Both men were outside talking as the loud noise of singing from the hotel bar had driven them from the insides of the building.
“Never say die chief, you have got to have something up your sleeve”
“Not this time mate, you heard the Goodwill Vito Corleone bloke, they’ll have canons and men all around the building, the balloon would be shot down in minuets, theres no way we can get round that”
“There has to be something Chief” said Edds
“theres nothing, nothing at all, I’ve let you down Edds, I’ve let you down and worse I’ve let Cardiff down, now Mr Swansea show’y off pants is going to win the heart of Queen Victoria, this is the end, I don’t know how to continue after this, I shall not return but wonder throu…..”
“Shine Ya shoes Govna?”
“What, oh no, no go away thank you” Basil said turning to address the source of the question, annoyed at the interruption mid way through his heart felt speech.
“Sure Govna, shine ya shoes, them good luck”
“Look here shoe shine boy” Edds said turning to the slim figure dressed in rags with a grey cape covering his facial features “We said we don’t want any of your street peddling high jinx, this ain’t cockney London you know so kindly go away”
“Alright Govna, no need to be rude, jus making a livening aint aye” said the shoe shine boy walking away.
“Wait, hang on, just a minuet, come here” said Basil to the shoe shine boy “I have a question for you”
“Yea, sure Gov wanna direction do ya, I know this town like the back of ma head, can show you anywhere” said the shoe shine boy
“No, it’s not exactly that, we don’t need directions” said Basil with a tone of confusion in his voice
“I wanted to know….”
“Yea Gov whats up?”
“Well, its, um, well….”
“Why are you a girl” said Basil finally braving the question
“What, me a Girl gov, nah gov, a boy I be, shoe shine boy, well known fact you get shoe shine boys, ain’t no one ever heard of a shoe shine girl, Im clearly a boy” said the shoe shine boy
“Um no I think you are a girl” said Basil
“a girl hahaha, you having a laugh gov, clearly you are gov, see I’ve got a beard” said the shoe shine boy lifting up his face to the two men so they could see under the grey cap.
“Yeah thats clearly drawn on with a pen” said Basil looking at the black marks drawn on to the young mans face
“oh, no it isn’t, clearly it’s a growing beard, Im doing Movember”
“Its August” said Basil
“Oh is it, dam…well Im still a bloke”
“Oh yeah, tell me rule one of fight club” asked Edds
“thats easy, rule one of fight club is you don’t talk about flight club” said the shoe shine girl
“See that proves it, you are clearly a girl” confirmed Basil
“What, umm, no, not, am not, no” continued the shoe shine girl
“No you are a girl, if you were a bloke then….” said Edds
“Oh all right I am a girl” agreed the shoe shine girl, interrupting Edds, “how did you know?”
“Very simple, rule one of fight club” said Edds
“Oh I suppose if I was a bloke I wouldn’t of said what rule one is since its don’t talk about fight club and I broke rule one by talking about fight club?” asked the shoe shine girl
“no, if you had been a bloke you wouldn’t know what fight club is since blokes don’t believe in the cinema” said Basil “it goes against ever bloke rule of bloke’y ness, being quit, sitting down, in the dark, watching a film about feelings, it’s so unbloke’ish its unheard of, any true bloke would never entertain a cinema” said Basil
“Well if thats true, how come you know what fight club is” asked the shoe shine girl
“very simple my lady, we are not blokes but gentleman and as gentleman we are in touch with our feelings and feel happy expressing ourselves in artistic delights” answered Basil
“hang on, how did you know Im a lady?” asked the shoe shine lady
“you know about fight club, well known fact that ladies love fight club”
“alright you have me there” answered the lady
“so why are you dressed like a shoe shine boy my lady? and what is your name” asked Basil
“Its Emily and Im dressed like this because Im trying not to be a lady any more” replied the now no longer shoe shine boy but now shoe shiny lady Emily
“Oh I see, why not?” asked Edds
“Its a long story, my full name is Emily Fairhall second duchess of Devon and I am on the run from the family, I dishonoured them and the Queen”
“Oh i see, I am sorry to hear that, may we ask what happened?” asked Basil in what he hoped was a caring tone knowing full well how easy it was to dishonour oneself and ones family in Victorian society, blowing your noise at the wrong moment in front of a lady could be enough to send you to the other side of the world, any small act could be the reason to dishonour a person, especially a true lady like Emily Fairhall Basil thought.
“I don’t like to talk about it” said Emily
“thats fair enough, I know as gentleman we shouldn’t pri…”
“I shot a swan”
“I shot a swan”
“yep got him in the wing”
“ummm why?” asked Basil
“It knows why…..” said Emily darkly
“well Im sure it deserved it” said Basil after a pause, unsure what to say to this “Im not a big fan of Swans myself” thinking of Swansea
“and since I shot it I cant return home, the Swan was only wounded and got better then blamed me in court and now cousin Vic is pissed off since she owns all the swans and I only winged the sod”
“hang on, cousin Vic? owns all the swans? you mean your cousin is Queen Victoria?” asked Basil astonished at this turn of developments
“yeah thats right, duchess and all, all one family really us royals, nightmare at christmas with all the cards” said Lady Emily
“oh um sorry. so why are you here in DC?” asked Edds confused with the turn of events
“well why are any of us here, if you take Plato’s view that….”
“no, no, no I mean why here in America?”
“Oh I see, well I had to leave the UK because of the hole swan shooting thing, massive dishonour, was in all the papers, all of Europe would know so I decide to travel to a place where I knew no one would know me and where they didn’t read newspapers, so I came here. I half hoped I could perhaps do something to win back the family honour, if I could get one up on the Americans then maybe cousin Vic would be pleased and forget the hole swan shooting business. So came here to DC but I didn’t realise how much things cost over here and used up all my money on whiskey and black jack, so have been trying to get some cash working as a shoe shine boy, I know a shoe shine girl would never get any business over here, there a bit backwards when it comes to equal rights, shoe shine boys can earn loads over here, apparently the hole of DC was built on a swamp so theres tones of mud around which they dislike, they love shiny shoes the Americans, so I thought I’d give that a try, make some cash and what is all that singing about?” said Emily looking around at the windows of the big hotel hearing the rowdy noise of drunken singing coming from its windows
“Oh that, its just the Llanelli scarlets rugby team, they have been over here on a rugby tour and heading back tomorrow on the boat, think there celebrating their wins”. Edds said.
Basil brain now was working over drive suddenly the light of an idea had suddenly sparked in the depth of his villainous brain, he suddenly had a plan, a good plan, a working plan, a plan that would steal the Capital building, sneak one passed that Goodwill Vito Corleone guy, show up Swansea city, impressive his love, Queen Victoria and if he brought Emily along for the ride it would firstly win back her family honour and secondly maybe she could put in a good word with her cousin Vic’y, which would be win, win for Basil.
“Okay, I have an idea, Emily you are now with us, Edds I need a few things, one thing Im going to need those tap dancing penguins managers number and also a distraction.
“Im sorry but Im with you how?” asked Emily confused
“oh yeah forgot to say, Im Basil this is Edds, Im Mayor of Cardiff, we are here to steal a building in a surprisingly unexpected and daring manner which makes no sense what so ever for our new city hall and you are going to help now Edds get the number of the penguins, oh and also get me the head of the Welsh Rugby Union and we’ll need a distraction” said Basil.
It was the next day and Goodwill Vito Corleone was pleased, he had stayed up all night guarding the Capital building, his men had stood with there canons ready and no one, no one at all had stolen the building. A dog had attempted to wee on it but apart from that nothing at all had happened to the building. Goodwill Vito Corleone looked at his pocket watch, only 9 minuets to go before that Basil the so called super thief, more like super beef (Goodwill Vito Corleone thought to himself) haha, beef good one, 9 minuets before he would be on his boat heading home, defeated by good old American guarding’ness. There was nothing he could do now, all was left to do was turn around face the Capital building and give his men a good speech about American values, he had been planning it all night in his head and now he would be…
“Shine ya shoes Govern” said a voice behind him
Goodwill Vito Corleone turned to find a shoe shine boy with a drawn on beard behind him
“No, no, go away thank you”
“Sure Gov, you got mud on your shoes, sure you don’t want shiny shoes” said the shoe shine boy
“No, no go away now please” said Goodwill Vito Corleone firmly
“Alright but it’s your lose, oh gov one thing?”
“Yes what is it now?” Goodwill replied angrily
“whats that up there” said Emily pointing at the sky
Turning Goodwill Vito Corleone saw a large airship, a blimp, slowly but steadily flying towards them
“THATS IT, THATS IT” Shouted Goodwill excitedly “He’s trying to steal it boys, the fool, the utter fool, he doesn’t stand a chance, get the canons ready boys, get them ready and when he’s in range let him have it”.
The airship came on, steadily on course straight at Goodwill, “You got to admire his bravely, look at him, coming straight on, the fool but a brave fool” said Goodwill, “who’s that Gov?” asked the shoe shine boy e.g Emily
“Oh what, oh no one, well at least soon to be no one, OKAY lads open fire, FIRE, FIRE NOW EVERYONE FIRE” shouted Goodwill at his men and there canons.
BOOM,BOOM BOOM, CRASH BOOM, CRACK, BOOM, RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE and then one final BOOM as the canons went off firing at the airship.
The airship completely disappeared in a haze of smoke and shot, no one could see a thing, then suddenly the ship was seen dropping out of the sky, crashing onto the grassy lawns of DC, it lay there crumbled and burning in a tangled mesh of iron, fabric and mess.
“Well that certainly went with a bang” said Goodwill to the shoe shine boy “must of been all that extra gas that made it go up so quickly, was kinda hoping for a bit more of a dramatic ending, with a bit of flame or something or someone jumping from the cab, oh well cant have everything can you?” Goodwill said turning to the shoe shine boy who had been standing next to him but to Goodwill surprise (and slight annoyance because he suddenly thought his shoes could do with a bit of a shine) was now gone. The boy had vanished.
Oh probably didn’t like the noise, Goodwill thought, cant blame the young lad, it was pretty loud, those booms and rumbles. Goodwill stopped for a second thinking, rumbles? rumbles? Cannons don’t rumble. “Hey lads what was the rumbling noise?” Goodwill shouted turning to him man.
What met his sight filled Goodwill Vito Corleone with dread and horror, what Goodwill saw was a sight he thought he’d never see, a sight he thought was impossible, he stood there his fat cigar between his lips dropping to the grown in surprise “its gone” he finally managed to utter “its gone, but how, WHERE HAS IT GONE, WHAT HAS HAPPENED? HOW? WHERE IS THE CAPITAL BUILDING?, CHECK YOUR POCKETS LADS, MAKE SURE NO ONE HAS PUT IT IN A POCKET FOR SAFE KEEPING, WHERE HAS IT GONE?” Goodwill Vito Corleone shouted, the shock turning his brain to mush.
The Capital Building had gone, the foundations of the building could be seen but as for the once proud structure, standing tall in its white marble, the building had completely and utterly vanished leaving nothing but Goodwill, his men and his canons just standing there guarding an empty space.
“Well that went well” said Edds to Basil, it was much later, both men stood on the decks of SS Terra Nova as she sailed home towards Cardiff towing behind it a large barge with the Capital building or should I say, towing Cardiff’s new city hall behind it.
“Quite so old sport, quite so” replied Basil pleased with himself
“Did he really have no idea?” asked Edds to Emily
“None what so ever, last thing I heard him shouting before I left was how did that happen” replied Emily happily.
And how it happened was like this. As Goodwill Vito Corleone stood in front of the Capital Building with his men and canons behind him he had inadvertently placed himself exactly where Basil had wanted him. As he stood there waiting for Basil to make his move, Basil and Edds a few miles away had lunched the airship from DC’s international airship, blimp and box kite aerodrome. Then after it had risen a few meters into the air had jumped clear from the cabin, leaving the airship on its auto pilot, set on a direct course to the Capital building and Goodwill Vito Corleone. Meanwhile Emily, dressed as a shoeshine boy/lady had managed to blend in with the DC crowds and had engaged Goodwill in a conversation about the shining of his shoes and loudly pointed out the airship to Goodwill and his men, drawing their attention to the airship and away from the Capital building behind them. As this was happening, Basil then played his trump card, at Goodwill Vito Corleone announced to his men to open fire on the airship, he had no idea of knowing that this was also the signal for Basil’s men e.g the Llanelli scarlets rugby team (who it turns out were quite happy to lend a hand after Basil had promised them the freedom of Cardiff’ Brain’s brewery on return to Wales) who had been milling around disguised as tourists (which they also were so to be fair it wasn’t a very had disguise for them to pull off). As Goodwill gave his signal to “fire” to his men the Llanelli scarlets rugby team had formed up into a large rugby scrum to the right side of the Capital building and as the canons began to fire, the rugby team, rugby tackled the capital building, smashing into its side with a force unknown before in the realms of town planning, the building at first took the push of the Llanelli Scarlets rugby team but as the team showing all the skill and strength that had won them so many rugby matches and also a tug of war contest against HMS Thunder child, kept pushing and pushing and soon the building was off. The soft mud of the swampy soil that DC is built on gave way and the rugby players pushed, slowly at first but with every step picking up more and more speed, the building went flying down the slopes and through the streets of Washington DC, sailing over the land like a bar of soap across a tile floor, they kept pushing and pushing until they had reached the river where the rugby team simply pushed the hole building onto a waiting barge where Basil and Edds cut the ropes to the shore and tied a very strong rope from the SS Terra Nova to the barge and once Emily and the now out of breath Llanelli scarlets rugby team was onboard, they were off, setting sail on there way back to Cardiff and to victory.
So ends our tail of how the first Washington DC Capital building ended up as Cardiff City hall in the very centre of Cardiff where it still stands today, proudly displaying the greatness of the city of Cardiff. The people of Washington were at first annoyed at the wicked caper but sleeping on it realised that this gave them the chance of building a new Capital building, even bigger and better than before which is what they did, and once Basil had smoothed things over with them a few years later by sending over Cardiff’s famous 7 Tap Dancing Penguins of Cantan to entertain them at the opening all sins were forgiven and another amusing story was added to the DC tourist trail. Goodwill Vito Corleone was at first upset but got over the embarrassment and after writing a best selling book which later become a film, became the 7 Tap Dancing Penguins of Cantan tour manger on their very successful US tour. Emily returned home to much public celebration, her honour restored, Emily was later recruited by the British Admiralty as a spy for Navy intelligence and played a key role in the Fishguard affaire. Basil and Edds returned to a triumphant Cardiff, the people loved there new city hall and the events that had resulted with its relocation to their city, even Swansea was slightly impressed (although they never admit it) but they were. Sadly tho the only person who wasn’t impressed was Queen Victoria, who is famously hard to impress and did not give her heart to Basil. Basil was at first devastated with this, confirming once again that he was indeed Basil Super villain extraordinaire, the man who could steal anything, apart from the one thing he really wanted (The love of Queen Victoria) but it was okay in the end because as is so often the case on long sea voyages, he had got to know Emily very well and would later realise that his love for Queen Victoria was misplaced and instead loved Emily and married her after the Fishguard affaire, after all they both had a lot in common, they both didn’t like Swan’s very much which is enough to build a solid marriage on, the dislike of Swans. But we’ll hear more about this in the next instalment of Basil Super villain extraordinaire, the Fishguard affaire.
Cardiff city hall, 2016.